I just drew this angel card:
BLESSING IN DISGUISE
“What appears to be a problem is actually part of your answered prayer. You’ll understand the reasons behind your present situation as everything resolves. Trust in heaven’s protection and infinite wisdom to answer your prayer in the best way.”
This was in response to a request for information about the overall lesson I’m supposed to be working on through all of this upheaval, the bigger picture. Oh, those angels.
I must believe this on some level, because I say it all the time, and it comes out easily, like something I believe. I especially say it in regard to my spouse’s future. I know it will come out all right — I know his star is headed up — that he’s moving on to something that’s a better match for him (though I don’t know what that may be). I noticed I don’t say it as much in reference to myself, my own future. A major era is coming to an end for me in ways that are totally unrelated to Hawk’s job. It’s time for me to be moving from “student” to “professional” as I finish grad school and massage school within the next month. I’ve been freaking out for the last couple of days about all the change … worrying.
I think some of what I’m experiencing is just natural grief as some important things pass out of my life — a part of life’s cycles, the dying of each moment into the next. And another big part of what’s been getting me down is worry, the irritation and distress at not knowing what’s coming next, not being able to control or predict it, not knowing what to do in the meantime to ensure a positive outcome. Being afraid that whatever happens it’s going to be painful for me and there’s not going to be much reward at the end of it. I.e., experiencing (unnecessarily) the imagined painfulness before it happens — if it’s even destined to happen at all.
Friday I had a whole mini-lesson on this very topic. I say “mini” because it was only one day compared to the months-long transitional period we’re in, but it made a dramatic impression on me (and it did seem to go on for the entire day, repeating the theme across multiple contexts). This was a day I’d been planning for the past week — a “fun day” in St. Louis. Hawk was going to drive out to meet me in the middle of a weekend I’d be spending there for school; we’d use some free movie tickets I’d acquired to go see the new Star Trek movie, spend the night at my friend’s and generally make a day of it. A city date. And, I thought, we really MUST go to the Botanical Gardens in St. Louis — we definitely had to before leaving the state, and this would be one of the best times of year to see it, early May. So I planned this whole day around us going to the gardens, searching online for places to eat, routes to different movie theaters, gay places in the same area to go dancing after the movie. It was an elaborate itinerary and it kicked off with the Gardens and so damn it, we must have a good start! Everything must go well! With all the stress we’d been under (individually and as a couple), I thought, we really needed this day of fun.
(I hope that from my exclamation points, capitals, and italics you can gather a sense of the pressure I put on myself about this day.)
Hawk was supposed to meet me at one, after my anatomy class let out. This class begins at 9 a.m. For at least five hours straight, I kid you not, from the time I woke up in the morning until fifteen minutes after one p.m. it poured down rain in a five-hour thunderstorm. It thundered and lightninged the whole time. The sky was dark gray and the rain was pounding on the patio roof. I was sitting there for the entire class thinking, F, f, f! How can we possibly go to the Botanical Gardens in this? The whole day is going to be RUINED!!!
Well, I reluctantly patched together some backup plans. Someone told me we could still go to the Climatron (I was bemoaning this situation to several of my classmates who knew the city better). I was like, Yeah, okay, sure. We’ll do that and it will be okay. It’s sure not May flowers, though.
Well, at 1:10 I was waiting for Hawk to show up. (It’s a two-hour drive from Columbia and he’d gotten a late start.) I had to stand behind the door of my school and look out because the rain was blowing so hard horizontally into the porch.
At 1:13 it seemed like the rain might be letting up enough to actually go out to my truck without getting totally soaked.
At 1:15 the rain stopped entirely.
By about 1:30 it was completely sunny with a few fluffy white clouds, seventy degrees, with a cool, gentle post-shower breeze.
We had a fantastic time at the Botanical Gardens. It really was awesome — with all kinds of spring flowers in bloom. And we had a very fun time together. And it wasn’t hard for me to get the point of this story (you might say it was like a blinding ray of light): When you (I said to myself) are sitting there wrinnging your hands and saying Oh no, oh no, this is going to be bad, stop worrying! The very outcome you have been hoping for might be just about to explode into being — even when NO signs suggest it could even be possible. That’s the way Spirit works, that’s the way miracles work.
And I don’t want to take away the message that I am always going to get exactly what I want, that things will always turn out exactly like I plan them, regardless of the weather at any given moment. It’s more that — I’m to be reassured that things will be all right. That something even better than I can imagine is coming. And that worrying about what the future’s going to bring in the way of badness is not only unhelpful — it’s frequently irrelevant.
So — yeah. You can call me on this. Cause I don’t have it down yet.
Peace to all,