So, nine days into this project, have I learned anything?
I certainly have become aware of my belly in a different way — maybe you could say it’s like there’s a new position on the constantly rotating kaleidoscope of biases through which I see the world. Sometimes I feel ok about it, the belly that is; I mean I’m starting to grow a tiny sense that it’s ok for my belly to exist, that it just is, and I might as well deal with it.
Then other times I see a photo of it and it doesn’t look the way I want it to look. I don’t even know how I WOULD want it to look — just not like that! Argh! It catches me off guard and embarrasses me. Like today, when I had this picture taken with a drag queen and then looked at it and thought, Oh no. This belly is NOT appropriate.
But then last night I was out dancing with Sam and it was a totally different story. For one thing, I couldn’t help but notice and be drawn to all the OTHER sexy, large bodied ladies in the club! (Proof, that’s why I love you! Ok it’s one reason!)
And I myself felt WAY freer than usual. I felt like I could dance just however I felt like, and I didn’t have to stop myself — at least not because of my belly. Maybe it was a combination of listening to “Shake It Off” six times a row in the car plus this belly appreciation project, but I felt good about expressing myself in the ways that felt most natural and happy and vibrant to me. I felt just a glimmer of — it’s just all part of the package, and it’s more than ok. It’s the perfect vehicle for my life adventure and it rocks.
A few months ago I prayed for insight into the next step of my journey to self love. What I heard back was this, spoken (in my head) in the voice of a large lady gospel church minister:
God GAVE you that body. God SPECIALLY CHOSE that body for you out of the infinite possibilities of human physical incarnation, as a gift to you, because God wanted you to have something wonderful. The proper response is THANK YOU.
To which I said, Amen!
It was quite a while ago now, but I still hear this voice in my head. It comes to me especially at times when I’m feeling a lot of doubt about my okay-ness. It really helps.
Dancing like all that matters is the rhythm and movement flowing through me is one way I can say thank you.
Here’s me after the club, enjoying the amazing night air, at my car, which is all shined up from the dealership. I thought it was cool how the reflector caught the flash.