I am up late on this windy, rainy Sunday night waiting for my partner to get home from Minnesota. He texted to say he’s just passing through Boonville — another twenty minutes. I have to get up early in the morning to drive to St. Louis for massage school but I haven’t seen him since Friday morning and I won’t see him again until late tomorrow night so I’m staying up past my bedtime for a goodnight kiss.
This Sunday I’m unusally fussy about starting the work-week tomorrow. This is my last session of massage school and in only seven more weeks I’ll be done entirely. But thse past three weeks I’ve felt so annoyed about the driving and the long days (even though it’s only two days a week). I’m feeling victimized by my schedule, even though I created it, I’m still sure it’s the right thing, and it will be over in less than two months! I’m holding the intention that I will feel more upbeat about it when I wake up in the morning and I’ll recognize lots of things about the day tomorrow that will make it worthwhile. (Because they’re there, I am certain. I just have to take note of them!)
I tried to cram too many activities into this weekend. They were all really good — sometimes fun, sometimes inspiring, and I connected with a lot of friends — but today after church I felt totally drained! I had planned to follow THAT up with this bike ride on the Katy Trail organized by Missourians for Safe Energy but when I got out of church (ten minutes before we were supposed to gather, still needing to eat lunch and change from church clothes to bike-riding clothes) it was cold and a light rain was falling. I didn’t know if they were going to cancel the ride or not. I said Forget it, and went to the Chinese buffet.
I realized tonight I mentioned the Chinese buffet in my last post (that’s two out of three posts) — I really don’t spend every day obsessing about it, but as a matter of fact this weekend I was obsessing about it, and I think I know why: Because I wasn’t giving myself time to rest and process new stimuli and integrate the big experiences, I was feeling undernourished, run down, low on resources if you will, and getting to a pretty urgent situation. Up stepped “food and plenty of it” as the old familiar cure-all, the easy and obvious way to feel like I’m being taken care of. Of course, the needs that really needed feeding were not of the hunger variety (I got a clue from the fact that all sorts of old addictions were jabbing around for attention, not just eating) and so even though I gave in to the craving, and did in fact enjoy my Chinese buffet experience, by nighttime I was still feeling unsatisfied on the inner level, feeling squashed and tired with too many expectations (self-imposed, to be truthful).
Having already ditched my diet for the weekend (with a spirit of “Screw it” that I haven’t seen that much in the past two months since I’ve been on it) I decided to ditch my workout too (which was supposed to have been covered by the bike ride — now would require a trip to the gym), stay inside in my PJs, work on my last dissertation chapter, and take a salt bath. I think it was the right decision. After my bath I do feel lighter, more relaxed. I use a whole 2 pounts of salt and a squirt of Castille soap for lavender and a few bubbles — not enough (I hope) to trigger my partner’s allergies. After ten minutes or so I find myself melting into the salt water … feeling connected with the ocean. One of my massage teachers recommends this combination as an energy cleanser. I think it’s bliss.
Well, the traveller is home, so I am off to collect my kiss! Good night …