self-love

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Day 13: Shadow Belly 

 

Belly as through a glass, darkly

 

This past year, I encountered the Enneagram for the first time–it’s a tool for, among other things, understanding human personalities, motivations, and life lessons. My type is 7. According to the book The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso and Ross Hudson, this suggests  that the core fear that drives many of my actions on a subconscious level is the fear of not having enough. 

This explained so much for me, so many themes — why I struggled so hard with jealousy for so many years, why I can’t drink alcohol, why I so often order more food than I actually need. It was just that combination of chagrin and relief that the authors said would mark the recognition of something true about myself within that particular body of wisdom. 
So I overconsume. I’ve done it ever since childhood. And I have indeed had, for as long as I can remember, an underlying anxiety about not having what I need to be happy. I deeply fear not having enough — friends, love, free time, money, pizza, education, songs, attention, life experience, just about anything, really, could trigger this fear in me. On the other hand, having an enormous supply of anything (oatmeal, nails, socks, paper) has always been a great comfort to me. 

It was actually quite helpful to have this pointed out to me. I did feel shame when I first saw myself in those terms. But I also felt the healing sting of letting some part of my shadow self come into the light. Yes, many of my most embarrassing moments arose from me being driven by this fear. Oh well. That’s part of who I am. It’s both part of my past and a potentiality of my present. To acknowledge this is sobering and also hopeful: once I allow myself to become conscious of my shadow, once I own it, I maybe start to choose something other than mindlessly acting it out. 

On some level I have long thought of my belly as basically the evidence of my weakness or gluttony. Of course the feeling associated with thoughts like these is shame. 
But it also occurred to me today that the belly is also a symbol of abundance. 
It can remind me that whatever I fear, I HAVE been provided for throughout my entire life.  I’ve never been homeless or friendless or without access to food. Seeing this, maybe I can relax a little, slow down a little, and celebrate my blessings a little, or a lot. 
In fact, the older I get, the more I understand how much power I have to create my own life. I become more and more convinced that my highest happiness lies in being aligned with Divine will for my life, and that as I come closer to the right balance between action and surrender, I’ll receive absolutely everything I need to fulfill my soul’s purpose, nothing more and nothing less, exactly the perfect amount. 
Yay belly! What a great teacher! 
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Day 12: Love Belly

Love belly

I talked in my post yesterday about doing scary stuff and how it’s good for me because it helps me to do other scary stuff. I do often push myself to go outside my comfort zone for that reason, so in some ways I’m used to myself doing that, if that makes sense. I sometimes don’t actually even recognize what I’m doing as scary. I have a really high (some may say unreasonably so) standard for what I SHOULD be able to do, and as long as I’m within that “should zone,” I can’t even begin to see myself as courageous.  It’s like, if I did it, it can’t have been that hard, right? 

There gets to be almost like a layer of denial between my thoughts and my feelings about what I am doing. 

Head says: That was obviously no big deal. Even YOU did it. 

Heart says: Wait a minute, hey, that was really hard! And I don’t know how I feel about it! I probably need a hug now!

Head says: Shut up, Heart. You’re wrong. It was too easy. Now go back to the drawing board and figure out something REALLY scary to do.

Heart says: Oh … Okay … … …

But I guess my post yesterday actually was scary enough to make my heart’s needs crack through that force field of repression, and all the challenging stuff I have been doing lately finally caught up with me emotionally. A little while after I posted it, I realized I just wanted to go curl up in my bed and cry. 

It wasn’t like anything bad had happened — I’ve gotten nothing but love back about this blog series. And I’m so grateful! But I think the anxiety and fear and vivid memories of past rejections and hurts that I have been stirring up from the depths of my heart by taking these pictures and sharing these words just got agitated enough so that they had to spill over into my consciousness … and then, apparently, out from my eyeballs. 

And thank God it did, too! Otherwise I might never have realized that I needed to give myself some TLC! I had a good old cry and I held myself in love and appreciation for the fears I’ve faced. And I felt so much better — all clean and shining again. 

I didn’t know what I was going to do for today’s picture until I was at my usual Wednesday night activity, that is, gospel choir practice. I noticed that without thinking about it, I was singing with my hands on my belly; that I was just lightly and tenderly holding it. And then it came to me that I needed to make that love conscious, I needed to let myself be in that self loving space for a little while. It’s certainly been rare enough for me over the course of my life — but this project is about changing that old habit of putting myself down. 

When I started this series, I was afraid to have my face in the pictures. I was like, ok, I’m forcing myself to look at my belly — looking at my face too is just more than I can handle! But as I’ve worked on accepting my belly as it is, by default I’ve also become a smidgen more comfortable with my face as it is. So here’s the full version of the photo above:

Belly with face

And because I know you want to see what awesome art is hanging behind me in the Wesley Fellowship bathroom:

Look how the light bulb makes that amazing crescent moon!

In the words of one of our choir songs:

We let the love wash over us,
We let, we let it be.   

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Day 11: Ukulele Belly (With Video!)

So … On the list of terrifying things, making a video of myself singing and putting it on YouTube would be pretty high on the list. But, apparently such terrifying things are easier for me to do when I’m already … well, exposing parts of my body that I would generally consider to be shameful. ??? 

Because Hawaiian shirts go with ukuleles.

 This is me doing a cover of Eric Hutchinson’s song “Shine On Me.” EH, please don’t sue me! I will obviously never ever ever make any profit from this. If anything it will make people say to you, “Wow, you sure are better than this one chick who made a video of herself playing your song wearing a Hawaiian shirt that was not closed in the belly region.” And you can say “Thank you, thank you very much.” 

 I can tell you that watching this video (and the slightly worse one I made immediately before it) required a mad amount of stamina in the arena of self love. There are vast reserves of “ohmygod I can’t believe I look like this, I must hide forever” always ready to overflow the dam.

But on the other hand, there’s also a small pool of “yes, this is actually how I look, and in other universe I could just BE this aspect of myself all the time” in there. And a little bit of “and why shouldn’t I?” too. 

Sometimes doing scary things is good for me. It helps me to do other scary things. And that’s really all I have to say about it tonight. My brain is tired and my heart is — feely. And I’m putting this on YouTube where everyone can see it. Eek!

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Day 10: Ritual Belly

When I was a younger person imagining my possible future wedding, there were two essential components that never changed: One, it would be outside (check), and two, everyone involved would wear whatever it was that made them feel beautiful and/or happy (also check). 

I feel so lucky that I did actually get to co-create that experience at my actual wedding — thank you, Sam! With as much focus as there is on clothing at weddings (aside from, you know, the actual ritual and celebration itself), I really wanted it to be a space where people, including me, could experiment at least a wee bit with the concept of ceremonial attire. 

Sometimes I go to workshops that end with some sort of performance or ritual in which we’re encouraged to do that — wear whatever it is that feels sacred and powerful and expressive of your personal light in that particular moment. I  love those occasions so much. And I so wish that was welcomed more in the rest of life. 

Well, I try to take advantage of the opportunity when it comes around.  

No problem

If I thought of my body like this all the time, there would be no fucking problem. 

 

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Day 9: Free Belly?

So, nine days into this project, have I learned anything? 

I certainly have become aware of my belly in a different way — maybe you could say it’s like there’s a new position on the constantly rotating kaleidoscope of biases through which I see the world. Sometimes I feel ok about it, the belly that is; I mean I’m starting to grow a tiny sense that it’s ok for my belly to exist, that it just is, and I might as well deal with it. 

Then other times I see a photo of it and it doesn’t look the way I want it to look. I don’t even know how I WOULD want it to look — just not like that! Argh! It catches me off guard and embarrasses me. Like today, when I had this picture taken with a drag queen and then looked at it and thought, Oh no.  This belly is NOT appropriate. 

Happy as long as I’m not looking at myself

But then last night I was out dancing with Sam and it was a totally different story. For one thing, I couldn’t help but notice and be drawn to all the OTHER sexy, large bodied ladies in the club! (Proof, that’s why I love you! Ok it’s one reason!) 

And I myself felt WAY freer than usual. I felt like I could dance just however I felt like, and I didn’t have to stop myself — at least not because of my belly. Maybe it was a combination of listening to “Shake It Off” six times a row in the car plus this belly appreciation project, but I felt good about expressing myself in the ways that felt most natural and happy and vibrant to me. I felt just a glimmer of — it’s just all part of the package, and it’s more than ok. It’s the perfect vehicle for my life adventure and it rocks. 

A few months ago I prayed for insight into the next step of my journey to self love. What I heard back was this, spoken (in my head) in the voice of a large lady gospel church minister:

God GAVE you that body. God SPECIALLY CHOSE that body for you out of the infinite possibilities of human physical incarnation, as a gift to you, because God wanted you to have something wonderful. The proper response is THANK YOU. 

To which I said, Amen!

It was quite a while ago now, but I still hear this voice in my head. It comes to me especially at times when I’m feeling a lot of doubt about my okay-ness. It really helps. 

Dancing like all that matters is the rhythm and movement flowing through me is one way I can say thank you.

Here’s me after the club, enjoying the amazing night air, at my car, which is all shined up from the dealership. I thought it was cool how the reflector caught the flash. 

  

And thank you!

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Day 8: Bellies Are Good For …

… holding books and electronic devices and crystal balls and dinner plates and, well, basically anything you’d put on a lap desk. It IS literally a lap desk. 

I forget whether the rules of this game state that the belly has to actually be naked. There are plenty of ways for it to look weird in clothes. So I’ll probably do some that aren’t naked at some point. But for now, both, just so I don’t get in trouble. (Though who would ref me out, I wonder…)

This is my belly — slouching, sticking way out — waiting for an oil change. 

  

Bellies are good for...

It’s in!

  

Oops! it got out!

  

Day 7: Belly Over the Line
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Day 7: Belly Over the Line

A baby mouse, left behind at the old workplace.

The other day at work one of my colleagues made a slightly dirty joke, and I replied in a way that made it, well, a medium dirty joke. Then when someone else made a shocked face and said I took it over the line, I told her she had a point. That is what I do, for better or for worse.

In fact I’d been thinking about this not long before. It’s true. Another friend said of me a while back that I take jokes one step past where you think they’ll go. I’m not saying there’s anything particularly good or bad about this — just that it is a true reflection of my sense of humor, and of art and life in general, I suppose. I know everything has been done before, but I do tend to look for ways to put myself into the conversation that I feel are less represented.

Part of my motivation with any creative or public endeavor is to do some things that other people might be embarrassed to do — in the hopes that maybe someone will think, “I see that person doing the thing my heart is telling me to do, so maybe it’s ok for me to do it too.” I guess this blog series falls into that category.

Well, here is today’s picture: the belly that I know and love, that I look at every day, as it looks in the mirror.

Thanks for giving me the space to share all this, by the way. I appreciate it. It’s very helpful to me. And if this is helpful to anyone else in any way, I’ll be delighted. Thank you!

The full belly Monty.

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Day 6: Belly to the Altar of Song

At choir practice last night, for our check in, we had to share something along the lines of — Why do you come here? What’s the big draw?

I said something along the lines of — gospel singing, for me, is like this fully embodied worship experience that floods my heart with light until it overflows all over the freaking place. It’s the kind of worship that makes me feel like this is what I came to this planet to do.

I have been really struck ever since I joined this choir by just how embodied my singing is when I’m there. Sometimes I just get focused on my inner experience and feel my body moving to cradle my heart like a baby. Other times I’m upward focused, and my hands rise up like they’re made of helium without my consciously lifting them. And other times I’m calling out to the people there with me, stretching out to connect, leaning forward, feeling the ground beneath me and the air around me that are touching everyone simultaneously.

I feel really free to move with my singing and with my praise at Mosaic rehearsals and performances. I feel fully present and like I am growing into my truest self.

I notice these things because they’re not the norm. It stands out to me when I can take up all the space I take up and not be embarrassed. It’s not usual for me to feel like being the largest-bodied person there and fully being in my body is a place of great empowerment. It’s strange to me that I can stretch my limbs and not be concerned about who sees my naked belly.

Strange but good.

These are healing experiences for me. Musical opportunities often go hand in hand with mainstream ideas of prettiness (or sexiness), and having the body I have probably made me give up on a lot of things that I felt shut out of. Of course there

are some people who are visible exceptions to this trend, and I love them: Toshi Reagon, Israel Kamakawiwo’ole … Sometimes I imagine myself a little like them, only me. Sometimes I think of them when I’m at Mosaic.

So thanks, Mosaic, for existing! Thank you Spirit for guiding me there! I sure do feel lucky and grateful and blessed!

20150319-212902-77342364.jpg

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Day 5: Om Belly Om

People always talk about the “Buddha belly,” but you know who really rocks a big belly? Sri Ganesha.

Yes, Ganesh’s belly is amazing. Ganesh is amazing! He is definitely a sensual fat guy. He loves the pleasures of the Earth, but his lack of attachment makes him light enough to dance on one toe on the back of a mouse.

I think that’s a role model worth having.

Ganesha & me

The other day I had the great pleasure of getting together with my friend Jyoti for wonderful conversation and a jam session. The last song we played together was a Ganesh chant. It was one I used to play all the time when I led kirtan in the mountains but have not done for a long time. We were nice and warmed up by that time, and we really got swinging on it. I had the strong feeling that some obstacles were really being removed as we sang (that’s one of the blessings this deity offers). Whew! Take ’em away, O Ganesha! Please and thank you!!!

This is is a different melody, but the same mantra, and the video has some awesome pictures of Sri Ganesha:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vk5fHyEQJr0

Happy chanting!

 

 

 

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Day 4: Big Bellies Go Places, Too

This belly was born and raised in the country and always seems to find its way back there. I work at a place outside Niwot, which is a small town outside Boulder, Colorado. One of the best things about that location is the long driveway, really practically a private one-lane road, that I can take a walk down when I get a break. It’s just … It gives me those feelings like, “take note of this moment, because it’s really damn awesome, and I feel really happy right now.”



In the sun



I was having more of those feelings tonight, when I went to McIntosh Lake in Longmont for the first time. OMG! Where has this place been all my life? I almost titled this post “BEST LAKE WALK IN COLORADO!” Even all caps doesn’t fully express my excitement at finding this lake. I’ve had a thing for “the lake walk” (which basically just consists of walking around lakes) since I lived in Minnesota, and this one seriously came close to filling the Lake Calhoun-shaped hole in my heart. At one point the lake and the spring air smelled so good I thought I might cry. 



McIntosh Lake



So, that’s what we get up to, belly and me.